


What You Want

by eromist92



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Crying Dan Howell, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Sad Dan Howell, Sexual Confusion, first phanfiction, not really together but could be seen that way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-22 06:49:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13161525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eromist92/pseuds/eromist92
Summary: Dan get's scared at the thought of Phil ever leaving.*Just my excuse to write some comfort*





	1. Chapter 1

 Dan's long body stretched out onto the couch. His head was to his right, as he aimlessly watches a show his friend had recorded yesterday. A blanket was draped over his body, though barely kept him warm. It was the middle of winter, the city was frozen with ice and snow. Inside was still pretty cold, despite the heating and fire being on. Dan couldn't seem to warm himself up, other than that, or he just gave up trying. The flat felt emptier as well, maybe that's why it was so cold...Phil wasn't in. He had left early in the morning, leaving to go and visit a friend. Dan couldn't remember who, Phil sort of mumbled out the name and he never asked for his friend to repeat himself. Though he did remember Phil saying he would be back for dinner. Dan looked towards the clock, it was only two in the afternoon. They usually had dinner around six or seven, he had ways to go before his friend returned home.

The show ended at three, Dan turned off the telly. He didn't know what else to do because he didn't really feel like doing much anyway. He had gone off the internet today, not that it was broken – he just decided to have a small break from it. His followers might be concerned or worried, since he was always on but Dan just needed to have time to think. Though sometimes, his mind wasn't the best place to be...alone with his thoughts could be dangerous. It had been a long time since he had just thought, without being online and taking his mind off things. Today, however, was different. He had given himself no distractions, he needed to get to the bottom of this. Dan had to admit to himself, why...so he could tell everyone and give them the answer they deserved. Truthfully, he wasn't a mysterious person, not like the internet presented him as. It had been a very long time since his last relationship, that they knew of anyway. Dan had been out and met people, but it was always wrong and he felt uncomfortable every time. So, what did he want?

He got up, the blanket soon fell to the ground. Dan walked over to the window and watched. Birds were flying, soaring above the bustling city and not caring who was down there or what their story was. Birds only had a few objectives in life, building a home and eating. Being a bird sounded so simple, so easy and free. Dan always wanted to fly when he was young, he used to imagine an invention he created, to fly next to the birds. Being on a plane for the first time was pretty exciting for him but still...it wasn't the same as flying and feeling the pinch of cold wind hit your body, as you soared fast between the clouds. Not that Dan knew what that was like anyway, he might have hated it. Turning away from the window, Dan looked around the living room. This place was truly a nerd’s pad. They made it their own little paradise and better yet, a comfortable home. Dan was twenty-six now and Phil was thirty, how long did they have left living together? Surely his older friend would want to have a life outside of Dan and get married. The thought made him sad and being alone terrified him, but Dan couldn't imagine himself marrying anyone or living with anyone else besides Phil.

“Don't be selfish”. He told himself out loud, “he's not yours”.

His eyes felt wet. They weren't tears, Dan refused for that to happen. Except, he somehow felt incredibly sad. Like someone was just standing on his chest, making it impossible for him to breathe. His whole world was turning and turning, not stopping to let him catch up with everyone else. That's it, Dan felt left behind and left out. He felt isolated and alone...because he couldn't feel normal and didn't know what he wanted. And this wasn't his usual crisis, this was something completely different. Dan felt below his average sad level, he felt weird and uncomfortable in his own skin, like something was seriously wrong with him. And he felt as though so many things were wrong – things that he needed to share but didn't know where to start or how to word them. Dan sat back down again, suddenly feeling exhausted with a very sore head. He felt like throwing up, though didn't feel the slightest bit sick. Something needed to come out, words or whatever was building up inside of him. Something had been bothering him for years, it felt like all his life there was this build-up and now, after he reached the age of twenty-six, it was going to explode.

“Dan?”

“Yeah?” He walked into the hall, where Phil was. “Have a good time?”

“Was good, yeah”. He smiled, a strange and goofy smile. Dan raised an eyebrow in question, now very curious about who this friend was. “Have you had dinner yet? Sorry I'm late-”

“what time is it?”

“Its nine”. Phil told him, sounding a little guilty. “We had dinner and-”

“it’s okay”. Dan smiled, waving it off. “I already ate, yeah”.

“Awe, good. I was worried you'd be waiting for me or something”.

“I wasn't”. Dan felt like someone had just punched him in the stomach and he felt like falling over, allowing the earth to swallow him up. He hadn't even realized the time, was he really waiting around for Phil the whole day? It sure looked that way. Good thing Dan wasn't very hungry right now, he didn't think he could stomach a large meal right now. Dan felt pretty pathetic by this point.

“Are you...you look weird”. Phil pointed out, trying not to sound as if he was being offensive.

“I'm fine”. Dan smiled, extra wide. He didn't want to let the misery come up to the surface and worry his friend. “It’s cold, right? The heating’s been on all day”.

“Oh”. Phil frowned, taking off his jacket and shoes. “It probably isn't high enough...I'll check it out in a sec”.

Dan scratched his eyebrow, “yeah, right...I'm not very good at that”.

“At what? Putting the heating on?” He smirked, “you'd freeze if it wasn't for me, Daniel”.

He laughed, but when Phil walked by him Dan's face dropped. “I would”.

“It wasn't on high enough”. He called out, from their airing cupboard. “You only had it on one, we'll put it up to three and I'll put it back down before I go to bed”.

“Sure”. Dan turned around and walked towards his friend, standing behind him to watch what he was doing, and that strange feeling came back again. He took a step back, his spine against the wall as he looked at the ground.

“It’s really easy, you-” but Phil stopped talking, something was definitely bothering his flatmate. Usually if Dan had a problem, he'd joke about it and laugh. They'd get through it together with humour and a comedy show but something told Phil, that this was different. The look on Dan's face showed sorrow. His face was pale, paler than Phil's, which was saying something. At first, he thought he might have been sick, but Phil knew Dan when he was sick, he would tell him straight away. “It’s so easy”. Phil assured him softly, taking a step towards him.

Dan looked up, brown eyes meeting blue. “I'll get the hang of it”. He pressed his back further against the wall, afraid he might melt into it.

Phil nodded, smiling small at him. “Of course,...you've adulted this far and no fires, right?”

“What do I do when-” and he was about to tell Phil, try to explain to him what he was feeling inside and what his worries and fears were, but he couldn't. Something blocked him, like someone had just taped his mouth shut. “What do I do if it breaks?”

“I dunno...phone a guy?” Phil shrugged, walking past Dan and into the living room. “What did you do today?”

“Internet...Netflix”. He told him, “the usual”.

Phil bent down and picked up the blanket Dan had dropped earlier, “anything interesting on Tumblr?”

“Uh-” he scratched his arm, “just the usual”.

Phil knew something wasn't right. He could feel it; not what Dan was feeling but it felt different and weird being around his friend right now. “Dan... would you like a cup of tea?”

Nodding, the younger man sat down and placed the blanket over his lap. He stared out the window again, the curtains were still open. There were no birds outside, not that he could see but lights were floating in the darkness, up high. Dan wished that he was on a plane right now, but he didn't want to be alone.

“There you go”.

He smiled, he wanted Phil to be with him.


	2. Chapter 2

He was lying in bed. His fairy lights were twinkling above him, giving the room some light. Dan was staring up, imaging a life where nothing was complicated, and feelings were simple and straight forward. The flat was quiet, Phil had gone to bed two hours ago, it was now two in the morning and Dan didn't see the point in sleeping – he couldn't even if he tried anyway. Here he was, a shell of a man who wished he hadn't even asked Phil who his friend was. Of course it was a girl. Phil never specifically said it was a date, but Dan knew better, of course it was a date. And his friend shouldn't feel like he can't tell him things like that, it wasn't Dan's life to live. Phil did say that she was very nice and polite – but that was all. Dan wanted to know more, he wanted to know if she was a better person than he was. Perhaps she was, maybe that's why Phil needed a companion. His friend was thirty. They wouldn't always be like this. One day, Phil would move on and settle down to start his own family but then that left Dan. His self-esteem was so low, he felt like no one could like him like Phil does. He felt like no one could handle him like Phil does. Phil was one of a kind, he was the best person that had ever entered Dan's life. Dan didn't know where he'd be without his best friend, who he loved. And he did love him, Phil just didn't understand how much.

Movement was coming from outside his room. Dan sat up, the hall light was seeping through his bedroom door.

“Dan-”

“Phil?” Dan got up and walked towards the door, opening it. “I thought you were asleep?”

“No, not really”. He said, “can I come in?”

Dan nodded, “yeah...sure. What's up?”

Phil sat down on the bottom of the bed, letting out a sigh. “You...something's going on with you, Dan. You seem really off and I'm worried, like super worried. This isn't like a crisis, this is so different”.

He stared off, eyes glazed over as he stared at the wall. So, it was noticeable. Dan thought he had kept this hidden and planned on walling up his feelings for a very long time. Except, the thought of having these feelings for life, made him feel even more miserable. “Don't leave me”. He whispered, still not looking at his friend.

“What?” Phil scrunched up his face in confusion.

“What would I do, Phil?” He asked, tears filling his eyes. “When you leave? What will I do? I'll be alone...forever cause-”

“Dan”. Phil whispered, reaching for his friend’s wrist. “Sit down beside me”.

He did as he was told. The weight from his chest was slowly getting better, he felt as though he could breathe again but instead of having his chest crushed, he felt a lump in his throat and his eyes water. No, Dan wasn't about to do this, not here, not with Phil.

“Where am I going, Dan?” He asked his best friend gently, “what do you mean?”

He let out a shaky breath, as a tear rolled down his face. “You'll leave – cause you'll meet someone and-”

“stop”. Phil placed his arm around his friend’s shoulders.

“There's no one else, Phil”. Dan felt that lump rise, “that I want to live with...I don't want you to leave me”. A sob, which Dan tried to hide, choked out of his mouth. He whimpered and covered his face with his hands, suddenly feeling so overwhelmed and vulnerable. “I'm sorry”.

Phil pulled him close, letting Dan cry onto his chest. He could feel hands grip his shirt and skin, causing him a little pain but he couldn't feel that, he only felt a different kind of pain. Dan, he was emotionally stressed at even the thought of Phil leaving and moving out. He didn't know what to say, the future was so unclear but for right now, Phil was so unbelievably happy living with Dan, someone who he cared for and loved. He felt his heart shatter and tear itself apart, when his friend’s sobs become so hard, loud and pain filled. “Dan...sh, please. It’s okay”. Phil began to rock them both, slowly. He hadn't seen Dan this distressed before and he didn't think he'd ever forget it.

“I don't know...w-what I w-want”. Dan said between sobs, “w-who I want”.

“And that's fine, Dan”. Phil soothed, kissing the top of his hair. “I promise you, that's totally fine”.

“Y-you know-”

“what?”

“What you want”.

Phil hugged him tighter, “I just want you to be okay, Dan... that’s all I want”.

He pulled back and looked at Phil, with tears still running down his face. His older friend began to wipe them away, with the blanket on Dan's bed. The younger closed his eyes, allowing Phil to clean his face for him. He felt tried and mentally done. Nothing felt better but at least he didn't feel any worse. “You can go”.

“I'm not leaving”. Phil whispered, grabbing Dan's wrist and pulling them both up. “We're going to sleep now and when we wake up the next morning, everything will be fine...and you'll go back on the internet-”

“I don't have an answer”. Dan croaked, as they both got into bed. “I don't know what I want, and they keep asking”.

Phil pulled the duvet up, covering them both. “Then you tell them the truth, Dan”.

“But...I'm just as confused as they are”. He said, leaning back onto the pillow.

“Doesn't matter, it’s the truth”. Phil laid down and rubbed Dan's arm, “are you okay?”

He shrugged, feeling his eyes burn again. “Shit-” he cursed, wiping his eyes again. “I-I don't know what's w-wrong with me”. Dan said, crying softly into his hands.

“Would you like another cuddle, Dan?” Phil opened his arms and pulled his friend into his body, not even giving him a choice.

“I'm so pathetic”.

“No, you're not...you're the best person in the world. You make people laugh, you make their days brighter and... you’re my favourite person ever”.

Dan smiled, a real smile for the first time in days. He closed his eyes, feeling his shoulders relax a little.

“Should I tell you a story about radioactive rabbits and the squid who lives in the Black Lake?”

“Sure, Phil”. Dan told the older boy lightly, yawning softly onto Phil's chest.

“So, there was this rabbit, called fluffy-”

“oh, how original”.

Phil chuckled, as he drew circles on Dan's shoulder. “Fluffy escaped...she ran wild, running around the forest and then...ended up on a beach!”

“Wait-” Dan was soon cut off by a yawn, “thought this was a lake?”

“Oh yeah...well, lake then”.

Dan fell asleep during Phil's story and although the future was unclear, Phil made it clear that right now, he wasn't going anywhere, and that Dan would never be alone.

 


End file.
